Thing's Emmett Cullen Can't Do
by LuvableLittleMonster
Summary: A list of things Emmett can't do. Based on stupid things he's done in the past. ONE-SHOTS ARE NOW IN LATER CHAPTERS!
1. The List

**This isn't actually my first List Of things Emmett Can't do, I lost the written copy of the first, but when I find it I'll post it as the second one!!  
-Emmett'sMunkeyGurl**

**Disclaimer: As you all know I don't own Twilight**

Things Emmett Cullen Can't do

1. Declare that Lestat is 50 times cooler than Edward will ever be... sparklepire  
2. Run around telling 4th graders that he is the real Harry Potter  
3. Attempt to commit suicide by burring himself with 50,000 pounds of marshmallows  
4. Take over "Sealand"  
5. Play with "ordinary house-hold liquid nitrogen", no matter how many times Bill Nye does  
6. Annoy the crap out of Edward by singing the "Bill Nye the Science Guy" theme song in his head over and over  
7. Become a rock star  
8. Play "Operation" with a real person  
9. Go anywhere near Carlisle's doctor stuff  
10. Attemp to sharpen his teeth with a pencil sharpener so he can have "real fangs"  
11. Become a Vampirate  
12. Call himself Jack Sparrow  
13. Get a Pirates of the Carribean compass from McDonald's and go around saying "I'm Johnny Pepp, and I'm gonna be Captain of the Pink Pearl! Yeah!"  
14. Get a "My name is..." sticker and put "Captain Random the Pirate" on it  
15. Get a whole bunch of Moon Sand so he can "bake it and keep it forever!"  
16. Break into people's locker's and leave Purple top hats  
17. Try to "Death By Tray" Bella... no matter how fun it looks  
18. Declare that he is "CHUCKLES THE EVIL PIGGY!"  
19. Go to New Moon and (loudly) point out all the mistakes  
20. Give Mike Bell's lunch box so he can add it to his shrine  
21. Blow up a polluted river and blame it on Bella  
22. Use a pineriser (Emmett: What the heck is a pineriser?!?!DX Me: You will never know!!XD)  
23. Join the mafia  
24. Become a ganster (the lame kind)  
25. Go on a quest to find (and kill) Voldemort  
26. Flick people repeatedly  
27. Flick pencils at people repeatedly  
28. Poke people insesently  
29. Go to a crowded public place, scribble people's names into a black notebook and yell "I will be the god of the new world!" *insert demented laughter here*  
30. Sing show tunes while slitting people's throats  
31. Declare that he is no longer a vampire, he is an elf and his name is Buddy  
32. Go on a quest to destroy the one ring  
33. go around acting like Galom  
34. Declare that he is the king of all Wal-Marts  
35. Declare that he controls all the erasers in the world  
36. Tell random people that he likes purple butterflies 37. Tell everyone that El Nino kills "LOS PECES ANARANJADOS!!"  
38. Hide in the bushes by a swing set and jump out yelling "WITCH!" whenever a little girl jumps off the swings (Snape:*Jumps out of the bushes after Emmett* Hey that's MY thing)  
39. Go to a crowded public place, fake a heart atttack, and when everyone starts coming to see if he's okay jump up and say "FALSE ALARM!!!"  
40. Try out for "Are you smarter than a 5th grader?"  
41. Make inderect innuendos about comments that teachers make  
42. Declare that anyone he doesn't like has to wear the "Cone of Shame" (Mike: I do not like the cone of shame)  
43. Sing and dance to "We're all in this together" in the middle of lunch  
44. Sing and Dance to "Single ladies"... ever  
45. Run across the roof of someone's house with bell's all over his clothes  
46. Give Bella an Atomic Fireball and tell her it's a cherry gumball  
47. Go to a shrink and cry about how he and Jasper (or Edward, for that matter) aren't ready to be parents  
48. Act out the surgery video from iQuit iCarly with Bella as the patient  
49. Call a pizza place, tell them he wants a large pepperoni, mushroom, sausage, and bacon (putting extra emphasis on the pepperoni) pizza, and right before he hangs up saying "And rember NO pepperoni!"  
50. Try out for the cheerleading squad and when they tell him he didn't make it run off the school campus crying

"That's all of them!" Alice said taping the list on the wall where Emmett couldn't pretend that he didn't see it.  
"Did he really try to kill himself with 50,000 pounds of marshmallows?" I asked Rosalie  
"Yup, after a while he got bored of just sitting under a pile of marshmallows so he made a 'warm igloo' as he calls it." She replied rolling her eyes.  
"AUGHHHHHHHHHH! RUN AWAY!!! DOGGIES ON FIRE! RUN AWAY!!!!" Emmett bellowed running from the kitchen.  
Alice sighed and went back to the list.

51. Roast hot dogs with a blow torch


	2. Number One

**So I've finally gotten around to making the one-shots about the lists that I said I would. I'm not doing all of them, but the funnier ones will most likely be turned into one-shots. If you have a specific number that you want to be turned into a one-shot, put the number and which list it's from in a pm.  
On with the show!  
-LuvableLittleMonster**

Number One: Declare that Lestat is 50 times cooler than Edward will ever be... sparklepire

Edward and Bella were sitting in the living room when Emmett came bounding in, a picture frame in his hands.

"Don't mind me, I just have to hang this up real quick, and then I can get out of your way!" He said happily. He hung the frame on a nail sticking out of the wall a little bit, right in Edward's line of vision. Before Edward could read it, Emmett ran as fast as he could outside and into the woods.

Curious, Edward looked up at the frame to see what it was. Suddenly, he glared in Emmett's general direction and told Bella that he'd be back soon. Wondering what could make Edward so mad, she got up to take a look at what was in the frame.

Inside, there was a paper, and on the paper, written in very elegant penmanship was this:

****

_I, Emmett Cullen, hereby declare that Lestat the vampire is 50 times_  
_cooler than the so-called vampire Edward Cullen... the damn sparklepire._

Bella immediately burst out laughing at the fact that Edward's ego was big enough to be hurt by something as small as this, something that had come from Emmett, who was also - by definition - a sparklepire.

**Short, but funny. The next one I'm doing is number 3 from the original list. That one will be longer I promise! ****If you plan on entering the contest that I've set up, then How to Enter is in the second part of the rules.**

**Ciao!  
~LuvableLittleMonster~**


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